Jokes Below:

=>Married To An Insurance Man An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

=>In the Beginning
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ic e Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, 'You want chocolate with that?'

And Man said, 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.' And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island

Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Food Cake,' and said, 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's Food.'

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, 'You want fries with that?' And Man replied, 'Yes! And super size them!' And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

=>Big Red Lobsters
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?

"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

"Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.

"Yes," she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."

=>They'll Find Us
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"?

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"?

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

=> Top 5 excuses for when your boss finds you slumped over, napping at work:
5. "The blood bank didn't tell me this would happen!"
4. "This is just a 5 minute power nap."
3. "I need to make sure the top is put back on the White-Out."
2. "I heard a noise coming from the keyboard and was checking it out"
1. Raise your head with hands together, saying "In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen."

=> Choose the Sermon
One warm and sunny Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

=> In preschool, the 3 year olds were asked, "What does snow turn into when it melts?" One little redheaded girl said, "Grass!"

=> Church Signs
Here are some signs on the marquees of churches - clever messages!
=> Looking for a sign God loves you? OK - God loves you!
=> Is your life on a Rocky Road? Come try Sundae School!
=> Free Trip to Heaven! Details Inside!
=> Easter isn't Lent - it's Given
=> Let's meet at my house before the game - God
=> Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church
=> Heaven is a cool place
=> ATM Inside - next line reads "Atonement - Truth - Mercy"
=> Sign Broken - Message inside, this Sunday
=> Looking for a lifeguard? Ours walks on water
=> WalMart isn't the only saving place in town
=> Swallow your pride - it contains no calories
=> Keep using My name in vain - I'll make rush hour longer - God
=> God does not believe in atheists, therefore, atheists do not exist.

=> In the aftermath of Denver blizzards, for several weeks most parking lots were reduced in size due to storm snow pile-up from plowing and shoveling. One man was driving around, looking for a parking place with no luck, needing to get to his appointment. He started to pray to God, and promised to give 10% more in tithes to the church, if he could get a good parking place. Just then a car up ahead began to pull out of a good parking spot, and immediately the man told God: "nevermind, I see a spot".

=> A teacher was helping the children understand different religions , and asked them to bring to class a symbol representing their church.
The next day a boy said, "I'm Catholic, and this is a rosary."
Another little boy said, "I'm Jewish and this is the Star of David.
A little girl said, "I'm Lutheran and this is a casserole."

=> Computer Tech Support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Computer Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

=> Watch Your Driving!
There was a woman driving a car and she was obviously stressed out and in a hurry. She would honk at the car in front, which was doing the speed limit. She was flipping it off, yelling, and when she missed the light because of that car, she was yelling and waving her fist out the window. Then she heard a knock at her window and a police officer was standing there. He told her he was going to have to take her to the police station, so he handcuffed her, read her her rights, and drove her to the station. She didn't know what she did that was so wrong. He came back after awhile and said "I apologize and you are free to go. When I saw your car had 'What Would Jesus Do' and 'Follow me to Sunday School' bumper stickers, plus the Christian fish and other Christian signs on it, with the way you were acting toward the other dirver - I just assumed you had stolen the car."

=>Ads That Were Found
* Stock up and save. Limit: one.
* Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
* Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* Great dames for sale.

=> Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff, including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then, He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see!

=> To quote our Pastor Hinchey:
The sermon had a point about people thnking they are in charge, and in control of making their own plans in life. He related that when he and his wife planned out their future and retirement, God dropped a baby in need in their laps, and life's plan completely changed.
"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him YOUR plan!"

=> Actual Headlines From Newspapers

1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty (Just how guilty was he?)

2. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(That will save the cost of imprisoning him!)

3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(I say, give it to him.)

4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found

5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)

6. Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
(Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)

7. Deer Kill 17,328
(Okay, who's selling arms to the deer?)

8. Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni
(But can they hold up the roof?)

=> A Good Sign?
A sign at one church said "Turn Around - The End is Near!" As one car of obvious unbelievers raced on and kept driving, making a terrible noise, one of the people who had put up the sign said "maybe we should have written 'Stop - Bridge is Out!'"

=> Classified Ads - Could Have Been Written Better!
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Stock up and save. Limit: one.
* Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
* Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* Great dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
* Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
* For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
* Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
* Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
* Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

=> A Tomato? Back when my sister was about 5 or 6 years old, we were watching a storm from our house in Colorado Springs. We saw a funnel cloud in the distance, toward the foothills south of us. We watched it and saw a tornado form. When we spoke about it, and saw it was likely touching down (and yes, it did touch down and destroyed part of a gas station), my sister exclaimed "it's the tomato that hit Manitou Springs!"

=> Who would you take? You are driving past a bus stop during a snow storm, and you notice your best friend standing there (who, incidentally, had just saved your life last week). When you stop, you find out there is also a woman waiting to get to the hospital, in need. There is also a very attractive person who could turn out to be the love of your life. Since your car only seats two people, who do you give a ride to, knowing you cannot fit any more than two people in your car (not able to put anyone in the trunk or riding on top)?

The best answer is: you give your keys to your best friend, and have him drive the woman to the hospital. You get out of the car and stand at the bus stop, waiting with the potential love of your life, taking the time to talk to this person!

=> You know you live in 2006 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with family or friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up into the driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you with the groceries.
7. Every commercial has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and stand in line for your morning coffee.
11. You start tilting your head to smile. :)
12. You're reading this, nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly who you are going to forward this to.
14. You watch reality shows to fulfill your dreams of life.
15. You were too busy laughing to realize there was no # 9 on this list.
16. You actually scrolled back up to make sure there was no # 9.

=> Quotes

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather – who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

=> Some Definitions or Thoughts to Think About - Punny!
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and t'aint mine.
His photographic memory was never developed.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off Paris bridge are in Seine.
When she saw her first gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The short prison escapee fortune teller was a small medium at large.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy, your vote counts.
In feudalism, your count votes.
Definition of a Will: a dead giveaway.
Pay your exorcist, or you'll get repossessed.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He fell into an upholstery machine, but is fully recovered.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France = Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

=> Unused Super Bowl Seat?
A guy, Same, tried everything to get a seat for the Super Bowl - he finally was able to win a promotional ticket from a radio station. He was so excited on game day until he found he was in about as bad a seat as there was in the stadium. He could barely see much on the field. He got up a wandered around, and sneaked into an area where he saw an empty seat, a very good seat to watch the game from. He asked the man next to it if it was taken, and he said it was ok for Sam to sit there. Sam asked how in the world was there such a good seat that no one bought. The man said it was actually a seat for his wife - they had come to watch the Super Bowl games every year for many years together. Sam asked why she didn't decide to come. The man said, sadly, that she had recently passed away and he was there alone. Sam remarked that certainly they must have some relative or close friend who would have wanted to go to the game. The man said no one could make it. Sam asked why. The man said they were all at the funeral.

=> Warning!
Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!

=> Not the Center
I was in a Christian parenting class, where the instructor was asking us about priorities and children. He stated that he recalled his mom often telling him "Craig, you are not the center of the universe!" One of the other guys shot his hand up and said "Yes, I remember my mom telling me the same thing: Tom, Craig is not the center of the universe!"

=> Good Place
As much as I grew to dislike my previous job, in which I endured harrassment as a woman in a predominantly men's workplace, I do recognize that I learned many skills and feel like I learned to deal with those men. So whenever someone asks me where I worked, I would always say "I worked at such & such, and it's a great place to be FROM!"

=> Poor Mom!
One Christian family who had raised their children to be good Christians had cause to look into what went wrong. The mom had gone to talk to her eldest daughter, and on her bed was a note that went something like this:

"Dear Mom, I apologize that you won't find me tonight - I want you to know how well you raised me. I have been seeing Chuck and he's been so good to me. Behind his tattoos and beard he's such a gentle man, so wonderful to talk to. He talks about family values, about living within our means by not worrying about the wordly goods. We've decided to run off and "get married" - yes, he's a good man who believes in marriage and not just living together - but he doesn't believe we need a piece of paper to prove it, so we plan to exchange our vows under the sky at might. Don't worry - we won't have to pitch a tent or anything - he has a little shack in the woods, and we have lanterns and cans of food. His motorcycle will get us around as we need, and he says he has money coming in from some venture he's got going. He loves kids, and would love to have 8-10 of them - of course we'd have to move to a larger place when that time comes, but for now it's so nice and cozy. I may even have to find work myself to help provide for them. I want you to know I love you, and you did a good job raising me.

"Mom - I want you to know that the part about you raising me well is true - but the rest of the above is not. I just wanted to soften the blow for when you and Dad see my report card, which is on the kitchen table. I am over at Terry's so please call me once Dad sees the report card and it's safe to come home.

Love, your loving daughter"

=> Real Church Bloopers!
These have appeared in church bulletins or in newsletters or in announcements.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist Church. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in our prayer tha many who are sick of our community. Smaile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hosptial and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.

A bean supper will be help on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church will have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

=> A Preacher Visits...
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all," the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

=> Don't Be Late!
A pastor was being honored for 25 years of service - so at his celebration, he was asked to speak. The guest speaker had not yet arrived, so pastor was asked to begin his talk first. He began with recalling his years: "I remember the first person I heard 25 years ago confessing his sins - he cheated on his wife, stole from his company, scammed his neighbors out of property, and some other awful things - and I believe I was able to help him over the years." Suddenly, running in and out of breathe was the scheduled speaker, and he excused himself and got up on the podium to honor the pastor. He began his speech with: "I'll never forget how much the pastor helped me out, as I was his first confession 25 years ago..."

=> Now That's PERSONAL!
In a Bible study class, there were some women sitting together. Pastor was talking about the 10 Commandments and sins that people commit. He told of "offshoots" of actions that relate to the sins so people can understand how they actually do sin in "round-about" ways. He began talking about the morality issue of gossiping - and one of the women stood up to walk out and stated: "I understand all the talk of the 10 Commandments and our sins and trying to follow them, but this subject just got too PERSONAL!"

=> I Only Have...
John came into the doctor's office and asked to see the doctor. The receptionist asked him what he has - he said "Shingles." She said to sit down and wait. The person sitting next to him asked "What do you have?" John said, "Shingles." The person switched seats. The receptionist called John and told him to wait for the doctor in one of the appointment rooms. The nurse came in and asked John what he had and he said "shingles." She took his temperature and and asked him to take off his clothes and get into a gown. He asked if this was really necesary. She said it was, if he wanted to see the doctor about it. He sat and pondered as he waited, thinking he would be done by now. Finally the doctor came in and asked John what he had. John said, "Shingles for your roof. Where do you want them?"

=> Kids Are So Cute & Precious!
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure some of these out for yourself!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity, Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, and he shows up!"

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook.

=> Effective Non-Verbal Communication Class:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

=> How to "Chair"
Years ago, when a small child, I learned a lesson in Sunday school, and it must have meant a lot to me, because I went right home to my room and took out my little chair I had, and went to my younger sister and offered it to her, stating "Chair what you have."

=> You know it's a red-neck church when:
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the pump organ set the coon dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) The Happy Hawg Barb-B-Q.
15. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '53 DeSoto.

=> Wise Sayings:
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
3. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
4. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...
5. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea.
6. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
7. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
8. Words are windows to the heart.
9.A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall,claims it's forgery
10. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.
11. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person
12. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
13. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
14. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive
15. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every and again..... Just be sure to flush when you are done.
16. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck..
17. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
18. And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!
Keep smiling, and ...if you see someone's missing one.... give them one of yours!!

=> 25 Beautiful One-Liners
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma -- but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position!
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

=> Subject: The test
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day on Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke til early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final exam then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortumately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a very long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over, and then he agreed that they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the appointed time. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, was thinking that this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: For 95 points, Which tire?

=> Proofread Your Writings Before Sending!
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

=> Some Great Things About Getting Older:
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

=> Prescription For Happiness
Attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson, this prescription for happiness bears remembering and repeating.
* Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things
* Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. Don't take yourself too seriously.
* You can't please everybody; don't let criticism worry you.
* Don't let your neighbor set your standards.
* Do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt.
* Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones.
* Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities and grudges.
* Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrows and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things.
* Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.
* Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy.
For maximum effectiveness, this prescription should be taken as often as needed. Unlimited refills available. Share with your friends.

=> Church Gossip
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night.

=> Fairy Tale
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God, we don't need you anymore.  Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so?  Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "We can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

=> The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!   
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

=> A Deck of Cards
A young soldier was in his bunkhouse all alone one Sunday morning over in Afghanistan. It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't made a noise. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.

Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks like you're going to play cards."
The soldier said, "No sir, you see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"

"You see the Ace, Sergeant, it reminds that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Apostles: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins that were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after working the six days.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives, in which God saved the eight people from the flood that destroyed the earth for the first time.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan. One of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings. When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck, each is a week, 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represents the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards, there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."

The sergeant just stood there and after a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

=>A Pillar of Salt
During a Bible class, the study told how Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back. An excited child in the class raised his hand and declared, "Last week when my mom was in the car, she looked back and turned into a light pole!"

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